skidddmark

i dont understand some things

i love the life that i have

I am just tired of being disappointed with people

everyone has always let me down, and its never been a guy

ive never gotten close enough to a guy to let me down, and hurt me like others do

i think ive developed a stigma when it comes to guys.

subconsciously i cant allow a guy into my life for fear of being dejected, and hurt

i always let people in, and so far those who've ive completely have hurt me really badly

i dont know what to do

i think i should js ignore it and start living my life

im done worrying about others, i have to care for myself first

im going to deal with me and take of me from now on!

ok well ive been going on the uphill slope of a rollercoaster for the like 6 weeks, and now i'm finally over the hump and falling down.

im still happy because i lead a good life, its js that you have to come down sometime.

great time with friends and everything, but ive js gotten a little irritated with some, it should pass. i js need some time to think and time to be with others that ive neglected! im sorry!

plus too much sugar is not good! haha STupiD cakes and cookie lab! damn 235. oh well. its something that i have to do. but yeah, i actually have a lot to do today so ima sign off and get my work done!

ok well its been almost 2 years since ive updated. im not going to go into great detail but yeah here is a rundown of the past two years.

sorta,
i got a job
i moved, then my roommate moved out
got my two best friends to move in with me.
went to japan
got a second job
was betrayed by my socalled best friends
was homeless and living in my car for 6 weeks
dropped out of school for the semester
moved in with my other friend
quit my second job
went back to school
moved to OC
went to taiwan
went to bartending school
made the best friend ever STACY!!!


ok so yeah, a lot has happened especially a lot of crap.
i think that ive matured a lot over the past 2 years.
im actually not angry all the time.
quite the contrary im pretty much always happy and everything.
i have great friends and i great time. i love my life

sadly still no luck on the boyfriend front even though ive been looking for the past 7 years. ughhh, oh well

cant have everything i want!

ok so yeah. i love my life, and i love my friends.


i went to the cemetary to visit my family. in 8 days it will be the 21st anniversary of my grandma's death. so we went on saturday cuz i cant make it on the 28th. it felt really good. i havent been to the cemetary since i was 17 and my great aunt tita ramsey died. so yeah. im not really sure what to say. spent time with cousins the parents, and friends. been a really good day! just really tired and have a project due tomorrow. its group so i hope that everything will be finished on time, haha!

I LOVE EVERYONE!!!

well here i am, its prolly been about a year since i had an entry. well things are going good. im in a really good place right now. great friends awesome family. well not much has changed except that ive grown as a person. no boys right now as always. still single since dominic. but ehhh watev, im having an awesome time being single. anywho this should be long but i dont really feel like getting into how ive grown into a better person. oh yeah i didnt get my wii today but watev ill get it soon. but yeah so i guess thats all for now, BYeZ!!! 4 now

i hate di shit, im sick of relationships like this!!! thats it if sunday is fucked up. im done with relationships. until someone tries to get me. cuz i cant take this pain and waiting anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck it all! i hate you right now!

i swear, i dont know why i do it. i get all excited and happy, and then nothing happens. the worst part is that I sadly let it interfere with my work. and practices and stuff. i cant allow that anymore. ill js have to sit back and see what happens. oh well im done for now. BYeZ!!!

i hate it when i get all excited. cuz then nothing happens, and it was all js a waste of time, and i dont do the things that i need to get done because of it. JEEZ!!! why does this even have to happen to me. i wish for once i could get excited and have things work out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i fucking hate my life now.
i thought i was ok but apparently im not.
im going to have to rethink my life and everything.
i have to get cracking on my homework, and stop worrying about other things.
its really starting to take a toll on every other aspect of my life.
i really js want to leave.
i need my family. (my cousins)
but there is no way for me to get them. FUCKING CAR I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i miss high school.
i miss my friends.
my friends here are iono its js not the same.
i didnt expect it to be the same but i did expect it to be better than it is now.
i really liked it the way it was 3 three weeks ago.
iono if ill ever beable to get back there.


i dont know anything anymore.
im js done for now.
maybe tomorrow will be a better day!

sorry to be so solemn lately. its js that shit is piling and piling, there doesnt seem to be an end in sight.
everyday for the past 3 weeks everything has been getting worse!

iono, i swear its so wierd, i have no idea how i survive. i swear that my life is perpetually falling apart, and i never seem to find a way to keep it in intact. i guess actually im still here because there are certain parts of my life that never faulter. my family, cousins. i love them so much. they are the only thing that has remained constant throughout all of my life. but everytime i try to do something or work at fixing something it either gets worse or something else falls apart. i guess im js never meant to be whole. im ok though cuz its js my reality and im used to it. im not writing this so others will feel bad for me. im js writing it cuz it is what it is. i have a few friends who have never left either actually. Emily i love you and thank you for always being there. and to my new friends at CSULB. you've been a great help. but really i guess my life is js to be ordinary, apparently im not meant to find someone who will show me how my life can be extraordinary. and if i find someone to. then that will be one of the greatest things every. but i just feel that that is not the case. oh well. im done ranting. and im done pissing others off. so ima js end this here. BYeZ!!!

i don't get it, im js depressed. yeah im getting involved and enjoying everything, but i js dont understand why im so depressed, i have friends and everything, i got a hair cut today it looks totally awesome. and everyone likes it, but for some reason i cant seem to be happy, im afraid that i will never be happy. i js wish there was a way for me to be happy. i guess ill js have to find another way. BYeZ!!! i guess. watever

ok well over the weekend Kuya Mark picked me up and we went to Mikey's house, found out its only about 30 miles and minutes away. spent the day at Missy's labor day party, had lots of fun, with Lisa, Marika, Melissa, Missy, and Mikey. can't wait for next time. ok well yeah. they had a sleep over and i couldn't stay cuz my parents js got back from Mexico and wanted to go home, and i needed to pack up what i forgot last time. i really wish i couldve stayed but its ok. sunday packed and came back here, set up my computer and printer and everything. went to big lots, found out it has a lot kewl stuff that the one by my parents house doesn't have. then went to baja fresh for lunch with my parents. then came back and cleaned up a little more. monday waited for nicki and she never came, and she never called but what can i say shes always like that. watev, ive learned to deal. ok well yeah. then today had class, found out where the Language Lab is, and did japanese homework from last class and tonight. Went to math, took pretty notes on stuff that i dont need to learn but watev, its ok. did some japanese hiragana and stuff, filled out my ASI application. after class i went to the ASI recruitment night, and filled out some stuff. met a new friend Tammy, found Kate, and met two other girls who i can't remember their names, its ok ill get them down eventually. then went to "the lounge" the glbtrc (glbt resource center) and met a couple people, finish my Japanese. came home. called Lisa, and my Mom, checked my e-mail and stuff, and now im here, doing my homework. ok well yeah. i guess thats it. wow thats like the first post that i actually said what i did. haha!!! ok well yeah, gotta finish my homework and whatnot so BYeZ!!!

ok well not much has really been going on. my apartment is ok for what it is. my roommate and i are going to get cable cuz we are dying without it. i can't wait to get my bike. really its actually kinda boring cuz all ive been doing is sleeping trying to make up for what i lost last week. thingsll get better. i js have to give it some time. ok well yeah im really bored so im gonna go. BYeZ!!!

ok well yeah. I went back to Tigerheat tonight. it was so awesome. Jowenne and Kaiza went with. Kaiza seems really awesome. i really hope that we get to hang out again sometime. well they had some really great music. and everything was great. didnt get to see Kyle. but thats ok. maybe some other time. ok well yeah tomorrow, final, shannon's birthday, and then move in to my apartment on Saturday, HELL YEAH!!!

ok well today was my first day of school, and i met a few people, they seem great. the class was 2:45 long. but it really didnt seem that long. anyway i have homework and everything. so yeah since i cant move into my apartment until saturday im commuting this week, bummer but its not that bad and its only a week. so anyway, on my way home i stopped by abercrombie, to see if VAL was there but she wasnt, i was really hoping that she would be, cuz i miss her so much. but its ok, ill see her later. well not im home and i have to do my homework, ill update later BYeZ!!!

ok so yeah yesterday was my birthday HELL YEAH the 18th!!!
ok so i went to brunch with Jowenne, then got my ear pierced, couldn't afford to get both so js one for now. went to work to visit one of the last times. went to the movies with my parents saw four brothers, it was a really good movie by the way. then i went with Tiff to Tgerheat. it was my first time, and it was awesome cuz it was my birthday and everything. yeah had a great time. and and everything. js surprised that i didnt see anyone that i knew there. oh wellz maybe next time or watev. im tired so im out. NYTZ!!! BYeZ!!! everyone.

ok so im here at mikey's house. and yeah. everything is going fine. we went to the mall and everything. and we spent time with Marcus. hes so cute. i love that little boy. and Missy, Lisa, and I were up all night talking. we were supposed to go to Six Flags today but that didnt work out because we were up all night and Auntie Malou didn't want me driving on no sleep. so its ok. so we are js chilling and shit. we are going to go to pasadena today and get an apple keyboard and go visit Shannon. and well yeah i guess thats about it. BYeZ!!!

ok well yeah

sick right now, going to the doctors, have an appointment at 3:15. hope they can cure me cuz it really sux. im too sick to really have fun, but im not too sick to work. it js really sux. other than that im going out with Danielle tonight. can't wait, we're prolly gonna see Mr. & Mrs. Smith (can't believe its taking this long).

oh yeah bought the new missy elliot cd (the day it came out, OH YEAHS!!!)
its wierd not seeing kyle at Best Buy anymore, yeah i know hes been gone for like 3 months, maybe longer or watev, but i havent really gone much, cant afford anything there, so yeah!!!

going to long beach tomorrow to check out the apartment fair. i want one but my dad is a little skeptical because i dont know anyone and itd be easier to get an apartment with friends after the first year, but really i have no choice so watev. i'm js really looking forward college, and leaving the valley, finally!!! hehehee!

ok so yeah not much else is really going on. js diong watev. alrightieez!! BYeZ!!! YALL!

you know im giving up on her. i love her. but if she can't take of herself and she causes me to hurt my cousin that is where i draw the line.

im done.

nicki is so hurt. ive never seen anyone so devastated because of what my mother did to her. she told me not to go and she told i was not allowed to pic up our friend allison. i fucking swear. i cant take this shit anymore. i need to fucking get out of this house b4 something bad happens to me. i know it will. my father is awesome but my mother is driving me and everyone else crazy. she calls me on the phone mad and everyone hears and they are just like whatever, cuz thats all they hear from her now. its complete bullshit. they are surprised but it js doesnt matter anymore becuz all we do is fight. it js isnt worth my time anymore to try and make her feel good. that is her job towards me. not to sound all conceited and shit but mothers are supposed to be there for the children not the other way around. every time something happens i have to be the one to take care of her. not my father not my sister, not my brother who happens to be her favorite. ME!!! everytime i think something bad is going to happen i clear the way for her, i try to sheild her and everything and yet she never does anything for me. i cant stand it anymore. i know it sounds like im taking the easy way out but its about time that i take care of myself and the business i feel is important. like taking care of nicki for the bullshit that my mother helped create.

ok well not much is really happening.

still looking for a boyfriend
still working at pac sun
going to the gym
hanging out with friends
hanging out with Jowenne a lot
trying to hang out with Lisa.
and hanging with the other cousins. really not much else


although i found a pair of girls jeans that make my ass look HAWT!!! so ima by them today after work.

really all i have to do is finish my thank you cards. but other than that everything is about the same. ok wellz yeah BYeZ!!! for now. ill update soon i hope!

ok well i got my rejection from UCI on like Saturday. and i got my rejection from UCB today! oh well i guess it js wasnt for me. but at least there is always Long Beach. and i still have the appeals process that might change their minds. ok well yeah. im ok
got one of my wisdom teeth extracted today. im fine. no real pain and i was awake when they did it. yeah i know KWAZII huh??? haha! and yeah. i have to make another appointment to get the other 2 pulled later. so yeah. im totally done for right now. im ok though with everything.
on a side note i had been talking to this guy for a few days but iono what happened. im ok though. its not that he left or anything its js that its not the same. who knows. watev. with college around the corner it doesnt really matter to me if i have a bf b4 then or not. but i would like to have a male date for prom. who wants to help me get one??? hehehe!!! ok well yeah i gess that that is it. oh yeah i got my camera today and verything. and i cant wait till saturday when i get to see my cousins again. and i get to go to a sweet 16 party on Saturday. so yeah everything should be awesome. this has been the greatest spring break ever. i can't wait till college. it will be even better. ok yeah. well we'll see what happens. i miss everyone and can't wait to see everyone on monday. BYeZ yall!!!!
Loves, Hugs, and Kisses (smooches) hehe!!!
Jeison, Jason, Xander, whoever i am now. HEHEHE!!!