skidddmark

• 08:26 i slept on the couch all night. i miss ben. have to leave for work in 14 minutes. should brush teeth. #
• 18:40 i will see ben on wednesday. i know what i should do but it is not what i want to do. #
• 18:46 @stupidwriter well the should is let him go and act reasonable, the want to is throw him down on the bed and ravage him. :-\ #
• 18:56 @stupidwriter nope. i am too frisky :-(. i miss him so. #
• 20:19 @corbinasmith this made me think of you: www.imdb.com/title/tt0808510/ #
• 20:31 i want my life back i want my life back i want my life back
  why was it life without the f? #
• 22:09 my mom got me hooked on "criminal minds" goddammit. #

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• 08:12 work 9:30 to 4 #
• 16:22 listening to "kafka on the shore". sitting in the living room. i wish i could always live alone. living with ben is better yet. no can has. #
• 16:39 making pizza. dough is rising. going to put pesto, fresh mozzarella, tomato, spinach, artichoke, and sun-dried tomato on it. #
• 18:10 so lonely for him #
• 21:20 the loneliest salamander #
• 21:57 the corner of the screen on food network keeps advertising a show called "cupcake wars" coming on next. i'm so in. #
• 22:12 alright, this show is not very well executed. also, these bakers are so annoying. cupcakes can be way more hardcore than this. #
• 23:39 ben on avatar: "it's pocahontas in space!" (neither of us has seen it) #

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• 08:50 so incredibly lonely. time to drive back to olympia with dad. #
• 12:24 work 1-7. had dad stick around to drive me there. ben finally called me back while i was driving. phone tag. #
• 19:01 Forgot my flashlight :-/. On the bus home now. Sad to have to walk in the dark to my apt. #
• 19:38 @josiejarvis need to talk? #
• 19:39 i wish i was in spokane so hardcore. it is excruciating. #
• 20:08 watching iron chef. when you've spent 3 years with someone, everything you do reminds you of them. all movies and tv shows are wistful. #

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• 09:37 leaving for portland soon. feel dead inside. want to just lay in bed forever. #
• 09:41 i wish i was going to spokane. #
• 12:36 Ugh. At Grandma's with Dad's side me family. Fuck Christmas. #
• 12:36 I am hiding in the living room #
• 12:47 Now i am hiding upstairs. Feeling kind of autistic. Over-stimulated. Wanna be in Spokane. #
• 13:12 Dad's calmed down a little now that his GF is here. Less pressure on me to be present. #
• 21:57 christmas was ok. got a wonderful rei backpack like i wanted, with a padded pocket for my laptop. also fleece pullover for teh warmths. #
• 00:10 advair makes me brush my teeth at night (steroid inhaler). previously, having a sleep-partner forced me to. i've grown lax recently. #
• 00:11 currently downloading two books from audible. kafka on the shore (murakami) and the greatest show on earth (dawkins) #

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• 10:20 work from 11-6, then driving to portland with mom. i'll be back in oly on saturday morning. #
• 22:30 i was typing twitter into the address bar, looked up and saw i'd written "twotter". lol #
• 22:48 i was too exhausted and heartbroken earlier. staying here tonight. driving to portland tomorrow morning. don't care about x-mas. #

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• 10:35 he didn't call me back yesterday. :-\ #
• 10:56 he won't answer his phone. #
• 20:20 he's stopped talking to me. he gets me better than anyone else in the world, but he does not understand how to treat me right. #
• 00:50 he finally texted me back, only to confirm what it is he's doing. he's allowing me one phone call. i'm saving it until i know what to say. #

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It's so weird to have grown up beautiful. I'm not even surprised anymore when boys flirt or tell me I'm attractive. Sometimes I'm grossed out, but mostly pretty indifferent. It's just strange, and I know it is a different experience than many have. It's just sort of, oh, well of course you are attracted to me, I am beautiful. My hair and face and eyes and waist and legs and butt and back and neck and breasts are all lovely to behold. How odd. I have a strange relationship with that right now. It's also funny that it is still happening, even now that I haven't done my hair or put on makeup or tried at all since Ben dumped me. Same reactions, maybe a little less sleazy now, but nevertheless. I was listening to Fresh Air recently and she interviewed a man who just made a movie and who had worked in fashion for most of his life. He made a comment about how beautiful women navigate the world differently, and then one day, they are no longer that same kind of beautiful and they have to relearn how to go through daily life. I am not looking forward to that day coming, because I don't feel that it is something I could prepare for, it is the way almost every single person treats you and it's THEM who change, not you. How much time is left? 30 years? 20? 15? less?

right now, michelle branch's "the spirit room" is my soundtrack. i don't even feel embarrassed by it.

http://www.last.fm/music/Michelle+Branch/_/I'd+Rather+Be+in+Love

• 06:15 now feel icky about boy flirting with me. sick of people flirting with me. only want ben to flirt with me. #
• 20:21 reading murakami. wish i was reading on ben's bed while he worked on projects or played guitar. #

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• 12:52 today was the first day i'd get to wake up with ben again. #
• 13:09 this feels like such an extended long dream. i'd have nightmares about him breaking up with me sometimes and they felt like this. #
• 16:11 he's not answering his phone, returning my calls, or returning my texts or emails. is he cutting me off or is he busy and lost his phone. #
• 18:26 still not a word from ben. i woulda just assumed he was busy in the past. now i don't trust him. think he's avoiding me. #
• 18:31 right after i made that post ben called me. now his phone just died but i feel better. #
• 18:40 i talked really loud and felt relieved and told him my fears and he agreed they are not unreasonable given the circumstances. #
• 18:41 talked to him about meeting with KEY today. couldn't talk to my mom about it, he's the only one i want to tell and hear feedback from. #
• 22:07 about an hour after talking to ben i stop feeling grounded and confident about the future and just want my boyfriend back. #
• 00:52 a boy who works in the mall is totally flirting with me on facebook right now. suspicions about him confirmed. kinda like the attention. #

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• 09:53 i got all wound up and stressed and was up too late last night. it was good to talk to ben for longer than 10 minutes though. #
• 17:02 ben is a piece of crap sometimes. #
• 17:08 my mom is staying another night thank god #
• 19:46 reading old facebook messages between ben and i :-\ #

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• 11:14 i am so tired of waking up miserable. i want my sweetheart to be wrapped around me and giving me soft kisses when i wake up. #
• 13:23 i don't want to eat, i'm not hungry. #
• 16:13 i have to go to work again. it's going to be awful again. i'm gonna cry half the time again. #

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god damn i am miserable and depressed

• 16:07 i wish i knew what he'd be like if he was here. would he still hang out with me? or am i denied visitation rights? i want my friend back. #
• 16:25 @stupidwriter it's such crap. we have so much fun. we're so good together. it's just such crap. #
• 17:20 @josiejarvis that's what she said. #
• 17:23 @josiejarvis when i gave ben thumbs down over skype about breaking up with me he said one of my talents is being glib. #
• 18:08 haley told marley about my twitter and i added that i live-blogged my break-up. i think i'm funny. #

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• 11:23 he's not even gonna come back to hug me. he's going to wait until it's clear he's not going to change his mind. he won't kiss me. #
• 11:49 crying crying crying #
• 14:48 This is all such bullshit. Every hour i realize a new thing he's denying me by dumping me. #
• 01:10 scared and lonely and exhausted and so tired of crying. my sweetheart was supposed to be home on sunday. why is this happening? #

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• 11:05 i don't think i've ever felt so unmotivated to eat. i'm forcing myself to chew and swallow bits of raisin bagel. #
• 20:03 went to work. came home. still crying all the time. #
• 20:05 my mom is on her way here and doesn't have a cell phone. she's never been here so i put my hello kitty lamp in my window. she will find me. #
• 20:33 people keep asking me when i'm going home. i answer, then they explain, no for the holidays. i just laugh. #

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• 16:01 I am having a terrible day and everything is up in the air with a good chance of everything being awful. #
• 16:27 I hate illinois. #
• 19:42 @josiejarvis no. ben is. and he doesn't love me anymore. :-( #
• 19:46 ben's not coming home. he broke up with me. i am not moving into an apartment with him. #
• 20:42 ben broke up with me on skype from 2000 miles away, 5 days before he had promised to come home and move in with me. #
• 20:43 also today we had been together for 2 years, 10 months, and 1 day. #
• 20:43 our 3 year anniversary was supposed to be in february. #
• 22:00 my mom is really mad at ben. #
• 22:38 everyone is really mad at ben, including ben. #
• 23:29 i am shaking and weak because i haven't eaten all day. i tried to eat some tortilla chips but i don't feel hungry at all. #
• 23:59 i cant make myself eat. took benadryl. there's no way i'm sleeping otherwise. called ben. he didn't answer. must be sleeping. #
• 00:32 i miss him so much. i can't believe after all this waiting he's not coming home. #

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